He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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