i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
