We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Still dying that you shit outside
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
