Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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