this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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