she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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