By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
