i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
