I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do vagina's smell?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
