I can feel you judging me through the phone.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
