He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
