The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
