i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
