Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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