remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
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I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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