i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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