mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
