What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
we're so committed to being not committed
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
