get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
God, you're like boner-b-gone
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
