Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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