1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
