FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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