Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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