She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
