just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I CAN MOONWALK!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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