I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
