I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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