I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
