True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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