Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
