Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
