I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
