All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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