i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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