I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
