i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
