Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
