i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
