Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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