I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
