My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
