my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
