turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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