is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
