Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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