in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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