You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
