I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Randomize
