It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
