The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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