Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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