ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My breasts were aching with rage.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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