I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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