Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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