I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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