Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
