I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
